The Top Ten Worst Things to Do at Your First Open Mic Performance
Comedy open mics are like a puzzle: solve them right and the audience has a good time. Fail it, and you lose the crowd and any good will and business they may give you.
I hosted a mic for a performing arts studio for about three years. Before every show, the studio owner and I looked at the roster and had to solve a puzzle: How do we make the lineup good? There’s an important rule: don’t let the audience see two bad acts in a row. Each act is only five minutes, but five minutes of a bad set is agony. Ten is a curse.
So there’s a trick: If you see a new name, sandwich them between two acts that you know are good. They’re new, we don’t know if they’re good or not, but if it’s comedy, there’s a 95% chance it will be very bad. When the whole roster is first-timers, the host (me) has to be ready with recoveries and other material. All this effort whenever we see it’s someone’s first time.
Why are first-timers so bad? Ten reasons stand out, and they’re easy to avoid. If you want to be on good terms with the venue, even if your set is bad, you want to avoid these, the Top Ten Worst Things to Do at Your First Open Mic Performance:
Showing up late: This should be obvious, but if you’re going to do something, do it professionally. Usually, it’s the worst people who show up late: “Hey man, come on, just put me on the list.” Hey, idiot, there’s a 95% chance you’re going to be bad. If you’re late, I push it up to 99.9%. These people are usually very cocky. After all, they’re the next big thing, so they deserve to be on a list. And they do. A hit list.
Talking about your first five minutes and comparing it to your first time having sex: Let me guess, both lasted about five minutes, and you’re gonna cry afterwards! So original! Hearing this makes my eyes roll so hard I almost have a seizure.
Telling stock jokes or stealing material: “My friend is addicted to brake fluid. He can stop anytime he wants.” If you want to tell jokes you can find on the internet, you aren’t looking to be a comedian, you’re looking for attention. Stealing material is even more egregious. Why listen to Jack Random tell Jim Gaffigan’s jokes? I can pull out my phone and listen to Jim tell the jokes himself.
if you steal jokes, you don’t want the effort of writing or the pain of failure, you just want laughs. If that’s all you want, I’d tell you to just have a good time with your friends, but we both know you can’t do that, either. These performers know this deep down; every time I’ve seen someone tell someone else’s joke, they always slightly modify it, usually making it worse. They do this because they know they were supposed to write something original, but didn’t. Or can’t.
Telling thoughts, not jokes: “I was at Starbucks and after they gave me my coffee, I heard them say, “I think that milk is expired.”
…
Silence. That was the joke.
Ok, your milk was expired. So? These hacks always end these thoughts with the same limp ending: “So, y’know, that’s my life.” You gave no meaning to your story, so it is like your life. You should end it.
Performing as personas: “Ey, fuggetaboutit, I’m Tony Guido, the fuck you looking at?” Something I wish wasn’t there. It’s uncomfortable and forced. You play a persona, sloppily put together, so if you eat shit, it will be the fault of the persona, not you. You are afraid of failure and vulnerability because you are ashamed of yourself. But don’t worry, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Showing how smart you are: This guy gets on stage, “You know the problem with society?” He points out an unfortunate woman in the front row. “Lemme ask you something… Can you name all the Kardashians?” This idiot comic hack was depending on a random person to name all the Kardashians to show that society was more interested in them than the real issues. But there was a problem when she responded:
“Um, no, honestly I can’t.”
Oh no! His bit depended on the public, much dumber than he, to name the totality of a topic by memory. So he named them himself. Phew! Now he could talk about the real issues: “So, we all know about all the Kardashians,” (We don’t, you do) “But let me ask this, how many of you are aware of the abortion law that just passed in Georgia?”
We were in Florida. Why the fuck would we need to know about this? There are thousands of laws passed in every state, but you decided this was the most important one? By what metric? The world does not revolve around abortion, but it should have when your mom was pregnant with you.
Seeking attention: The performer had long black hair, a long beard, and no shoes. Everyone was nervous because he looked like a homeless man. For all we knew, he was one. “Hey, I’m just an average guy,” he planted his hairy bare foot on the speaker on the stage. Everyone was afraid to laugh because they didn’t want attention from him. I almost felt sorry for the guy, until I learned he was a professor at a local university. He just did “comedy” on the side. He definitely owned shoes and decided to go on stage without them.
He was seeking attention by being different for the sake of being different: Look how enlightened I am, I don’t need material things like you. No surprise, most of his comedy was political. Also no surprise, it sucked. There are other gimmicks out there, comedians in drag; comedians and prom night; comedians seeking attention through novelty rather than the craft of a joke, the thing the audience is there for; etc.
Thinking you know everything: This is common with older people. I was told to respect my elders, but they make some of the worst first-time comics. “Alright, lemme show you guys how it’s done. My friend is addicted to brake fluid. But hey, he can stop anytime he wants!” This is different from just telling stock jokes. Some novices tell stock jokes to build momentum into their actual garbage material. These older guys think telling stock jokes is what you’re supposed to do. Many insult the audience for not getting their corny puns: “Obviously you didn’t get that, you see, a royal flush in poker, ah never mind.” Trust me, we did get it, and we responded exactly as we should: By wishing your set would end… with a stroke.
Gushing about how you’re so grateful to be here: There’s nothing wrong with saying a quick, “Hey, thanks for coming out, guys.” But for god’s sake, don’t spend three minutes of your five minute set, “I am so grateful to be at this place, I’ve just met so many amazing, talented individuals with so much talent. This is such a special place where so many talented people can come and express their talent.” It was, until you got here. This isn’t the Golden Globes. It’s a local studio on a Thursday night. The audience isn’t here to learn about what a great experience you're having. They’re here to have a great experience. Stop wasting your audience’s time. Which brings me to my last point…
Explaining what you’re about to do: “Ok, so my comedy is more of a different style. I was told it wasn’t right for certain venues. You may have noticed I’m wearing this necklace. It’s actually a story about this necklace. I got it at this venue five years ago, when I saw some comics performing on stage. I thought they were cool, but I could tell something was missing. So that night, I started working alongside my cat, Boo, he’s a calico, kind of my muse…” This should count as assault, so I can defend myself by shooting you:
“Your Honor, I was about to die of boredom.”
“Case dismissed.”
Honorable mention: Heckling. If you heckle other comics before their set, they will do the same to you, and everyone will have a bad time. This is so obvious that anyone with the IQ of a brick with down syndrome should intuitively know it, but people never fail to surprise. Insta-ban.
Honorable mention 2: Leaving after you perform and not watching anyone else’s set: This is just rude and a perfect way to get banned.
If you can avoid these things, your experience, and the experience of the people running the show will be much better, even if your set is bad. Regardless of what you do, be respectful to the venue and the audience.
