The Worst Performer
In the beginning of 2021, I put performing comedy on hold as I was getting vaccinated against COVID. To me, it made no sense to risk getting infected right as you finally get the vaccine. After about two months, I returned to the stage at Smorgasbord, former the open mic produced by Creative Veins Performing Arts.
I arrived at the venue at about 6:45. A couple tables were seated. I saw my friend Annette and we chatted at the bar. She started telling me about an animation she was working on when-
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I HAVE ARRIVED.”
An older black man walked in and announced his presence. A confused table of twenty-somethings started applauding and smirking. Between the man’s missing front teeth, his bilateral face tattoos, and his posse of obese followers, it was clear he was too dumb to know all the attention he got was bad.
“THANK YOU VERY MU-”
“No! No! Knock it off!” Keary, who ran the mic, interrupted the man's pre-performance victory celebration, “This is not ok. This is not how we act here. Be professional.”
The man smiled like a happy dog, “I CAN’T!”
I leaned over to Annette, “I'm guessing that’s Set It Off.”
“Yeah, he was here last week.”
In comedy class, Keary spoke about Set It Off as a poor example: “Guys like him, they dress all flashy like someone they think is already famous. Their friends pull out their phones, ‘Hey everybody, I'm at the show.’ He's trying to be a celebrity, not a comedian.”
Set It Off hopped into the stage, before the mic was even set up. One of his obese minions took video while Set It Off pointed to the sign at the top of the stage.
Keary looked like he had enough, “Get the fuck off the stage! This isn't the fucking Set It Off Show! We have other performers here and we’re trying to get the show ready!”
For once, Set It Off appeared sullen. He got off the stage and took a seat at his table. The awkward silence lasted about a minute before Set It Off started laughing and taking pictures with his posse and the audience members. Annette looked at me like she had just witnessed a murder. “If that happened to me, I would just end my night.”
“If that happened to me, I would just end my life.”
I looked across the bar and saw Keary and his wife Rebecca talking. Keary was speaking with a crinkled brow and the muscles in his face were throwing themselves into every word. Something really… set him o- I’m not gonna do that to you.
They decided that Set It Off would be allowed to perform, and would be blacklisted after that night. They decided he would be first performer just to get him out of the way. Keary hosted, “Please welcome to the stage, Set It Off…”
I had a lot of trouble just understanding anything he said: “ALL THE CHURCH PEOPLE IN HERE, ALL THE UPTIGHT PEOPLE IN HERE, ALL THE RELIGIOUS PEOPLE IN HERE, YOU GOT A CHANCE TO GO. CAUSE THIS IS SET IT OFF. I WAS WITTIS CHICK, SHE BIG BOOTY JUDY. WHOSA TURN OVA ME AND BOFONA DANBAN LUVVA BOOTYHOLE… OUTIDOBALY JEOQOBWERPBRY, AND BIG BOOTY JUDY…”
I wasn’t getting the jokes; I guess I had to be there. All performers at Smorg get five minutes and get lit at four minutes so they know to get off. Set It Off managed to get to seven minutes before Rebecca turned up the music. People started applauding, and Set It Off finally got the hint and stopped talking, but kept holding the mic confused and looking around. Keary walked up and Set It Off gave him the Mic.
“Keep it going for Set It Off, everybody. They should call him Turn It Off because that’s all I wanted to do.
The rest of the show was more pleasant. I did some time, and it went mostly well.
At the end of the show, Set It Off and myself and all the performers get on stage and the audience applauds for who they think was the best. A couple months ago, someone with no jokes and no stage presence won because he brought the most people. Set It Off had a big posse with him. The applause levels were close with me and him. “Alright,” Keary said, “We’re down to the top two. Applaud if you think Set It Off should win.”
He got about a six out of ten level of applause.
“Applaud if you think Josh should win”
Eight out of ten.
Ya boi won!
—————
Keary and I spoke after the show, “Oh, he’s definitely blacklisted. What does he offer the show? I know this is an open mic, but what value does he return to the show? All he does is take, and we suffer because of it.”
The worst performer is the one who uses the show to benefit themselves, and ultimately benefits no one in the process.
